What! What!: Death: How It Has Changed My Life

Poppy and Cora had an indescribable bond. Thanksgiving 2013

I know most people have lost a loved one. They grieve in various ways and some not at all. Last April, my nana called me to tell me something was wrong with Poppy. He had a sinus infection and dizziness that would not go away no matter how many antibiotics the doctor gave. She knew something was up. Finally, an MRI was scheduled and our worst fears were made clear: he had cancer and it had spread. Lung cancer that invaded his brain. Surgery of his brain would soon follow as well as harsh, devestating chemo and radiation therapies. Our lives changed forever that day. Since I live in California, I was not able to visit until the summer (a few months post diagnosis). Since my husband was deployed, I decided to stay with them majority of the summer. I wanted to soak in every second I could with him. Memorize his voice, smell, touch, anything I could. He was very weak from the chemo and radiation but still had his spunk. We talked and my children were able to grow closer to him. When it came time to say goodbye to him, I just knew it would be our earthly forever goodbyes. I didn't think I would see him again and neither did he. He sobbed, begged me to stay, and told me this was this last time we would see each other. Leaving him was THE hardest thing to do but I had to get the kids back to California for school. November rolled around and poppy was still with us. He was weaker, even though the chemo and radiation ended in August. It wrecked havoc on his body and he was so weak and didn't bounce back like the doctor thought he would. But I knew without a doubt since he was still with us Thanksgiving that I would be on the first plane I could with the kids to spend the week with him. This time he wasn't sitting in his recliner in the living room that I said goodbye to him in the summer. He was in bed. But was still able to move around the house with his walker and some direction from us. He was thinner and more pale but still the most handsome man I had ever seen. The day before Thanksgiving I decided our family needed something to pep us all up (we knew this would be his last unless God decided to provide us a miracle). I arranged an ugly sweater contest and went to goodwill to find us all something. I chose a faded royal blue sweater with a pig on it for poppy with an ugly plaid vest to go over it. He loved it and looked adorable. Thanksgiving came and went and again it was time to say goodbye. I laid with poppy in bed and held my tears in. I am good at that. I can hold it in for a while but when I am alone, I explode. I didn't want him to see me cry. But he couldn't hold his in and again begged and begged me not to go. But I had to. I really knew this time would be it. Fast forward to February...my husband was now home from deployment and poppy was still hanging on. My mom and nana called me and told me Hospice had confirmed it wouldn't be long until poppy was called home to Heaven. His demeanor had changed, he wasn't eating, he wasn't getting out of bed anymore. I looked at my husband and he knew from the look in my eyes that I needed to go home to see him one last time. He dropped me and my almost two year old off at the airport (he kept the older three) and we were on our way for a three day stay in Texas. When I got there, we thought he was taking his last breaths. The family was gathered around him and we said his favorite verse, Psalm 23, we sobbed, we told him how much we loved him. He wasn't responsive. The next day, he woke up. He was in and out of it, but was awake. The morphine he was on caused him to not know who we were and to hallucinate, but he was awake. I have some very special memories from those three days with him. I told him at least a thousand times how much I loved him, how handsome he was, how he was the best poppy and man a person could have ever known. It came time to leave and as he laid there in his room in a hospital bed (hospice brought a bed to the house for him), I knew without a doubt this was it. And do you know when I went to tell him goodbye, he begged me again not to go? He told me he would charge me for every minuted I was gone. My heart sank. As sick as he was, he was still begging me to not leave. I hugged him and kissed him and took away memories that I hope I will never forget. On February 17, at 1:30 a.m, my poppy was called home. His pain was taken from him, and his body was made whole again. We were in New Mexico when he died and drove 12 hours home and at 3:30 the next morning I was on a plane headed to Texas. My husband (AKA super dad) kept all four kids so I could go. It was a very short trip but I was so thankful to get to go. Poppy was laid to rest on February 19 and the service was beautiful. Nana gave me his ugly pig sweater. I will cherish it for the rest of my life because he loved it. He was really convinced he would win that contest and almost did.

As a kid, I was taught over and over and over again that Jesus died on the cross for our sins. I was taught the promise of eternity in Heaven if I believed and was saved. All of that was so important to me. But when poppy died, it became so much more to me. God's promise was now in action. He healed my poppy. He made his body whole again. I can't explain it, really. But the peace I have in God's word has become so apparent in my life recently. I wish I could put it into words, but I just can't do it. But I am so thankful for God's saving grace and poppy. I know without a doubt he is in Heaven rejoicing. And for that, I am so incredibly thankful.